How Did I Get Here

If I could do it over again I would. I believe I faltered by not taking my high school studies very seriously. I don't know. Back then, ADD was not as popular as it is today. It was more hush hush. Nevertheless, in middle school, I remember sitting in a meeting with my parents discussing with the teachers the learning disability they predicted I possessed. "She always has this far away look in her eyes, she appears to be listening....." BLAH BLAH BLAH. In retrospect I think there is some validity to their claims. My parents, on the other hand, weren't buying it. (In grade school, I was transferred to the special education class. That didn't last very long. Much to my mother's delight, I outsmarted the rest of the class and she immediately had me transferred back to the regular classes. ) However, I do remember trying to study and having the hardest time concentrating. It drove me bonkers; to the point that I would give up very easily. It seemed so insurmountable The truth is I wasn't a natural born student. I think I was just bored. It was much more fun talking and passing notes in class. I sought refuge in music and books.

I scored poorly on my PSATs and was demoted to pre-Algebra. (I just couldn't grasp it!) Needless to say, I wasn't really preparing for college. Regardless, there were meetings with my guidance counselor, Mr. Farinella. Try as he did, I just couldn't be persuaded into college life. One afternoon I was sitting with my father discussing my future. He says to me "you know, there's always the military." "What? The military? Are you crazy??" I set my sites on beauty school. I dreamed of moving to California and being a make-up artist to the stars. I would sit in the mirror and play with cosmetics for hours. My mother would gush at my knack for applying it. Somehow that didn't come to fruition either. I can only imagine how different my life would be if I had just followed through with it. I would be one of those celebrities that go by their first name, like Cher. To this day when I asked myself, "Why didn't you just do it?" I still don't have an answer. I'll have to consult my BFF about that. We were supposed to go to Blaine together. I can still see the astonished look on her face when I told her I wasn't going to go. Maybe she'll remember my rational at the time....

When I graduated from High School, I was a faced with my reality. I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do with myself so, I worked. For two or three years, I worked as a teller for Baybank. One day I had this epiphany that I was going nowhere, so I decided to enroll in the Professional Secreterial program with the now defunct, Kinyon Campbell Business School. Unlike high school, I excelled there and ultimately graduated with honors. Imagine that! When I do put my mind to do something, it's amazing what I can do. Maybe I just lack motivation. I get to a point and get sick of it all.

That brings me to the present. I have a solid job and a great apartment. My car is paid off and I'm no longer living pay check to pay check. I should be happy, right? WRONG! I'm bored again. I'm haunted by this boredom. Why am I always bored? I feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis at 39. I've carved out this life for myself. Where am I going to find the money to go back to school? I could take out a loan. I'm having a hard enough time paying off the debt that I do have. The thought of taking out a $30,000.00 to $40,000.00 loan at this stage of my life is frightening. Something's gotta give. There has to be solution. There has to be. This can't be all there is for me professionally.....