Sulking

I've been pouting since yesterday.  My feelings were hurt.  However, I asked for it.  One of my worst memories from childhood is my mother being hyper-critical of my weight.  She nagged me about it incessently and she could be quite cruel when she wanted to be.  She even enrolled me in the Diet Workshop program when I was sixteen.   Ultimately I developed a complex about it.  I began to resent my mother for being so fanatical about it and she was systematically ruining our relationship.  No matter how much I asked my mother not to criticize me about my weight, she never listened or understood how it was effecting me.  I closed myself up in my room and escaped my harsh reality by immersing myself in reading.  By that point a had a very poor self image.  I was a very angry teen.      

That was over 20 years ago.  Moving away from home gave me the distance that I needed to forget about the difficult years with my mother.  As an adult I've made it a priority to maintain a weight of 140lbs which equals a size 8.  Depending on what's happening in my life, my weight fluctuates.  In 2007 my precious Sophie kitty was diagnosed with a tumor in her jaw.  She was my joy.  I was devestated.  She was unable to eat.  I resorted to force feeding her with a syringe.  At the same time, I was in what I now consider to be a toxic relationship.  Eventually I made the decision to put Sophie down;several months later, I broke up with my boyfriend.  By this time I weighed 160lbs.

That was shocking.  I new what I had to do to lose the weight and I was on a mission.  It took me a year and a half, but I lost the 20lbs.  I was really proud of myself and feeling very happy.   A little while later, I met my present boyfriend.  This past weekend, him & I were at the beach and he took pictures of me in my bathing suit at the beach.  Aftewards I was looking at the pictures.  I felt ashamed by what I saw.  This is when I made my mistake.  I decided to ask my boyfriend if he thought that I needed to lose some weight.  "You can be honest with me" I say.  Stupid right? He didn't hesitate to reply.  "Yes you do, and I have a beer belly so we can lose the weight together".  I was crushed.  "I can't believe I just said that". he says.  He comes over and says "just right here" and he gestures at my thights.  A little while later he bends down and says "aww honey" and gives me a kiss on my cheek as he serves me my dinner.  At that point, the last thing I do is feel like eating. 

Ok, so is it really fair for me to be upset at my boyfriend for honestly answering the question that I asked him? No.  But, that doesn't change the fact that I was hurt.  So now I feel self conscious. I eat half my dinner and go to bed. 

Today we had dinner at his uncle's house.  I had a serving of potatoes and a slice of roastbeef.  I'm offered a second serving.  I decline.  "she eats like a bird" he mutters.  My boyfriend turns to me and says, how come you're not eating?  I'm stunned.  My mind starts racing.  Just last night you were telling my I have weight to lose.  I decide to decline a second serving and you want to know why I'm not eating???  Your kidding me right???? My mother used to pull this passive aggressive bullshit on me too. What the fuck?  About five years ago I remember being at my sister's house for dinner one afternoon.  My mother says to me, "geez Tiffany, you have no ass".  This is the same woman who used to have a very opposite opinion of the size of my ass.